8/8/04

I am standing in the schoolyard where as a teenager I used to hang out with friends. I am reaching for a cigarette and can feel the familiar shape of the pack in my pocket. I don't want a cigarette and feel the pack disintegrate within my pocket.

It is daytime. There is no one around. The school hasn't changed but I have, I am not a teenager.

I start walking down the street away from the school. The further I get from the school, the darker it gets. It is now nighttime and I can see the stars laid out across the sky in beautiful geometric patterns. I am amazed by how clear the night is.

Reaching the end of the road, I decide to head left into a neighborhood where everyone I lusted after as a teenager lived. My plan was to walk by their houses and, if they were outside, I could casually say hello and then seduce them. I had the path laid out and a schedule (as if I knew in advance who would be outside and who would not).

Words from the waking world: The thought of having sex with everyone I lusted after as a teenager was appealing. Going from a causual hello to having sex seemed natural. I haven't thought of these people in years but everyone from my waking teen lust list was on my dream list (there were many) and the order on my dream schedule reflected the intensity I lusted after them in real life.